


Downward Spiral

by Voidilie



Series: Hat in Time AU Stuff [2]
Category: A Hat in Time (Video Game)
Genre: Abuse, And a lot of pain, And things do start to get better in the end, Angst, Attempted Suicide, Death, Depression, Downward Spiral, Gen, He ended up a monster, He just wanted to be happy, Murder, Not every part will be super dark don’t worry, Self-Hatred, Self-Loathing, Suicidal Ideation, Torture, Tragedy, abusive language, it just takes time
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-12
Updated: 2020-11-14
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:01:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,799
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27526525
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Voidilie/pseuds/Voidilie
Summary: Self-blame and isolation lead to a downward spiral into sickness and hurt, and lashing out from the pain inflicted on you hurts other just as much if not worse.A story detailing Freckles’ past, and how he slowly descended from innocent to a monster, and then came back to a... Sort of moral person.Heads up, this is gonna go some DARK places, do yourself a favor and heed the tags. Chapters will also have individual trigger warnings as needed.
Series: Hat in Time AU Stuff [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2010940
Comments: 4
Kudos: 14





	1. To End a Life

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [To Defend the People to the Utmost of Your Power](https://archiveofourown.org/works/27424321) by [Divine_Knight](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Divine_Knight/pseuds/Divine_Knight). 



> TW: Self-loathing, suicidal ideations, emotionally abusive language, literally a description of a person dying from their POV

It hurts. It  _ hurts _ .  _ It  _ **_hurts_ ** .

All I can think, all I can feel is  _ pain _ . Pain from the hunger. Pain from the chains, from my injuries, from my mistakes. From the cold, from my  **failure** . I hurt her. I hurt her, I hurt her so badly she would do this. I… I don’t know what I did but it must have been bad, it  **had** to have been bad, she wouldn’t have done something like this if I didn’t  **deserve** it but what did I do wrong?

Another jolt of pain hits me, and I nearly puke. As if there’d be anything left to come out. It’s been… It’s been so long I can’t even keep track of time anymore, and the cold never left no matter how much time passed. I can’t even see the sun through the cellar window anymore, there’s only darkness. I’ve long since given up hope that I’ll ever be freed, and… Even if I was, what would I do? I have nothing left. Everyone I cared about is gone, everything I had was taken. And it’s my own fault.

I deserve to die.

_ I deserve to die. _

...The door creaks, and I hear- barely- footsteps coming down the stairs, towards me. In my blurry vision, I see  _ her _ . She… Looks even worse than last time I saw her. I can’t even see her face anymore, there’s only darkness. If I could look anywhere else, I would, but she grabs my face and makes me look into her eyes and I don’t have the strength to pull away.

“ _ Are you ready to see reason, my dear prince? All you have to do is say you’ll love me, and only me forever, and I’ll let you go _ .” Her voice is the only thing about her that’s the same, and even then there’s something wrong with it.

...I stare into her eyes, darkness creeping into the corners of my vision from just the strain of holding my head up, and with what’s left of my voice, I manage to speak. “ **Please. I have nothing left to live for. Everyone I know is dead and I’ve hurt you more than I can ever fix. Just let me die.** ” Her grip tightens, and I faintly feel her nails cut into my skin. “ **Please.** ” 

She laughs, and a sense of dread joins the pain. “ _ Now, my dear prince…  _ _ My dear Alexander _ _. Why would I kill you? You just need to  _ _ learn a lesson _ _! _ ” She lifts her other hand to my face, and slowly drags her fingers down the side. It’s agonizing. “ _ I’ll give you a few days more to think about it. _ ” And with that, she walks back towards the door out, and vanishes up the stairs. The cellar door closes with a thud, loud enough even for my failing hearing to pick up.

If… If she won’t kill me, I’ll just have to let myself die.

I scream, as much as my voice will let me, thrashing and kicking my useless legs as much as I can. With each movement, a shot of searing pain hits me from my arms, and I’m pretty sure they’re broken, but I don’t care anymore. It’s already over for me, what’s a little more pain? No tears come from my eyes, having dried up long ago. And my weak voice doesn’t last long, choking out with not even a minute. But it did something. I feel myself getting weaker with each kick, each pointless hit of my hands against the cold walls. 

She didn’t hear. Good.

My vision blurs, and I laugh silently, not even having enough of a voice left to do it aloud. My pain is starting to numb, and it’s becoming harder to think clearly. It’s… It's working. It’s working!

...Something gets caught in my throat, and I choke out a scream. I don’t- I don’t know what it is, but whatever it is, it hurts.  _ It hurts so much _ . It hurts so much I can’t think about anything else, thoughts of my plan and my success fly out of the window as the lump gets bigger and  _ more painful _ . My vision is nearly gone now, I can’t think about that, all I see is pain, all I hear is pain, all I feel is pain. ...No…

…

I feel  **anger** . Anger, sadness, betrayal, fear, regret, everything I've felt down here hits me like an avalanche. And as I feel it, the lump stuck in my throat becomes more and more agonizing, more choking. I can’t breathe anymore, it’s only a matter of time.

Everything starts to go dark.

The pain begins to fade.

Even my racing thoughts go quiet.

And then…

Silence.


	2. Wake Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You are not finished yet.”
> 
> A wake up call, an escape, and a purpose.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Self-inflicted harm

...And then I wake up. It’s… So cold. I can’t feel anything but cold. I can’t even feel my injuries anymore. I’m- I’m supposed to be  _ dead _ . Why am I not dead? Why am I still  _ here _ ?

I clutch my chest. Maybe if I just- breathe in and out I can figure out what’s going on. I just- I just need to think clearly and-

... _ I can move my arms. _ Why can I move my arms? They were chained in place!  _ What is going on!? _ Did… Did the chains break? I- I still can’t see anything. It’s so dark, and so cold. I can’t even tell if I’m on the wall or the floor… 

…

...I don’t have time to get my bearings as suddenly I’m hit with a wave of drowsiness, and the world seems to fade away yet again.

*.+ ~ —————————— ~ +.*

Everything is dark.

It’s… Peaceful, strangely enough. Like it’s protecting me. I want to stay here. I want to stay here and not have to leave, not have to worry, not have to  _ think _ . Maybe… Maybe this is death. If it is, it’s not so bad.

I just hope… This is enough to satisfy her. That she won’t hurt anyone else.

I close my eyes.

“ Wake up. ”

I open my eyes again. Did- did someone just speak?

“ You are not finished. ”

“ **Who’s… Who’s there?** ” I look around for the source of the voice, but there is only darkness. “ **Where are you?** ”

“ There is still much… You need to do. You are not finished. ”

“ **But I- I died, didn’t I? How can I do anything??** ” I feel something, like someone is putting their hand on my head, but there is no one there. 

“ Death is not always the end, Little Prince. Sometimes, it is a beginning. Now… It is time for you to wake up. ”

With that, everything goes white-

*.+ ~ —————————— ~ +.*

-And I wake up. I look around, finally able to see. ...As expected, I’m still in the cellar. But from how everything seems higher up, at least I’m not on the wall anymore. Was… Was that just a dream? I can’t… I cant feel my injuries anymore- but I still feel hungry,  _ starving _ . And I can still feel the cold- I- I need to get out of here.

I lift myself up, trying to stand, only to fall right back on my face. ...Right… She made sure I’d never do  _ that _ again… Dragging it will have to be. 

It’s a slow process, but eventually I get to the door outside. And, with a lot of effort, get them open. And… I’m immediately knocked backwards by a burst of cold. That- that shouldn’t have been enough to do that. But I don’t have time to think too much about it. I still need to get away. So I brace myself, and pull myself back up the stairs.

Outside, it’s almost impossible to see. A blizzard is roaring, how did I not hear this from inside, and it’s so cold, it’s  _ too cold _ , I can’t stay for long. I’ll die. I- I can’t die. Not here. Not yet. I have to make sure everyone is safe. But… It's so cold, I can’t see anything. There’s no way I’ll find anyone in these conditions. I need to- I need to get to safety, wait out the storm, then I can search.

The crawl through the snow is  _ agonizing _ . Every part of me is screaming to stop, but I can’t. I need to get out of here. 

I barely make it out.

But… The snow, the cold, the storm… It just  _ stops _ . As if there was some kind of invisible barrier, keeping it from going any further. And with that cutoff comes clarity. Now that I can see properly, I need to check over my condition. I need to tend to my wounds. But first… Rest. I’m so tired...

I lay my head on the ground, and drift off once more. 

*.+ ~ —————————— ~ +.*

...When I wake up again, I don’t know how much time has passed. The sky is covered by dark clouds, obscuring the sky completely. But… It helped. I feel at least a bit stronger, and less exhausted. Time… To see just how bad my injuries are.

I breathe in, bracing myself for the worst, and look down at myself.

I nearly pass out again from what I see.

My skin- is  _ purple _ . And where my legs were is a tail. What… What happened? What did she  _ do to me _ ?? I feel tears going down my face, this can’t be real, I’m dreaming, I have to be dreaming. This  _ can’t  _ be real. I pinch myself. It hurts, but nothing happens.

No.  _ No. _ I won’t accept this. I  _ can’t  _ accept this. 

I look around, my attention falling onto a nearby rock. I- I hesitate, before grabbing it. If pinching won’t wake me up, maybe something more extreme will. I lift it up, and bring it down onto my arm. Again, it hurts, but… Nothing. _No._ ** _No._** ** _No._** **_I refuse to believe this._**

I lift the rock up above myself, and, as hard as I can… Slam it onto my head. It hurts, it hurts, it  _ hurts _ …

And as has been happening so much recently, the world goes dark again.

I wake up, and nothing has changed.

_ This is real. _ I- I can’t deny it any longer. I have to accept it, I don’t even know what it is I’m accepting. Did I… Did I really die back there? Am I dead? But… This isn’t the afterworld. Is this what that voice meant by I’m not finished? Am… Am I still here to make sure everyone is safe?

But- I can’t. What will they think of me?? I couldn’t even save myself from dying. I couldn’t even stop myself from hurting  _ her _ , hurting her so badly she felt like she needed to do what she did. I’m a  _ failure _ . 

...No. I can’t let that get in the way. I have to  _ find them _ . I have to make sure they’re safe.

…

...I need to find a way to move that isn’t dragging myself around.


End file.
